Journey to the happiest place on earth

It comes in flushes.

Like on Wednesday when I'm drenched. sweat is dribbling off my brow and dropping into my a disappearing greenlantern subway meal. It's not going so well.

This is a saying that's become more and more frequent in my life

It's not going so well, but it's going alright, and it's Okay.

It's just slightly less than what I'd hoped for and it's not great, but it's all rolling along.

Its eating me.

A few weeks ago, I was in the gym and when Marvin, one of the regular gym guys came up to me, and asked if I was on a mission. It kind of took me by surprise, but then I realized he'd meant seeing me in there everyday for the last 2 weeks. Did I have a goal? some kind of target maybe?

The truth was no, not really. I just wanted to feel something other than insecurity. So there I was in the gym for the 5th time this week struggling to do my 6th chin up, then swinging by subway to dribble sweat into a meal I'd picked out to feel the least guilty about.

It's a vast ocean.

I've amassed a stack of Greenlantern subway meal luckydraw coupons which come free with my Subway meal each day. one of them could turn out to be a trip to the New York comic convention. But I just keep them tucked in my wallet and can't be bothered registering them on facebook. A trip to the comic con would be nice though. Something to look forward to. something in the distance that I can't make out yet but is good. So I hold on to the coupons. They remind me of an unforeseeable, but yet untapped future hopelessly close, but statistically, quite far away. 

I'm sure it all has something to do with a failed relationship, a time ago. 

And for a long time now, I've been gluing together a makeshift life raft made from gym membersips, subway coupons,  rent bills, scamps, receipts for gadgets, a ticket to Bhutan and the random 'productivity' app from the apple store. All in an effort to try and cross this ocean before it washes over me. It's cost me, money, time, friends, and emotions too much damn emotion. 

So here I am about to push it out, frantically worrying if it will float. 

If it will sail, if it will be great

And if it doesn't - if I can still swim like I used to.