jelly legs

It wasn't a strange morning. 

It was nice outside, and lunch was at one. 

But everything was strange: the act of opening a comic book. unwinding the bandages around my leg, waiting for the restroom. It was really hard to understand why I was doing anything at all. 

I questioned and counter questioned everything that followed.

Why are we laughing? 

Why did I make that joke? 

Why is the film I'm talking about relevant? 

Why are things so nice? 

What is my objective in saying anything at all?

Jac eventually smiles at me and asks why I look so sad - after all, it was my big idea. I brought this strangeness here. it could have just been a nice day. And she is nice. As she waves and says goodbye and disappears into a taxi outside my front gate, I feel heavier. Heavier than ever.

I have a Calzone at one. And the trick to eating a calzone is of course maximizing the use of the stuffing.  Much like eating a pie or a crepe. The most challenging part being the rope-like-pastry on the edges. I cut around them, while leaving just enough 'flat' pastry connected before I lather some mince and cheese on to it. The trick is of course is just to stay on it; to only cut things big enough that I can chew on, then concentrate on chewing until of course there's just the empty plate below me. Then I get on the crutches and make sure to make a little noise as I can as I lift and land up four flights of stairs.

Deciding to sort through the materials for Stephanie's wedding powerpoint, I open a manila envelope and empty some photos onto the desk. I open itunes and try to find a suitable track. I wonder what kind of music I would like to be married to. And then I start to make a play list of songs I think are romantic. I think Neil Diamond would be nice. Though it doesn't make me feel particularly nice. I delete a bunch of photos that have been repeated, and then I send out a desperate text message before I sieve through the physical photos until I can't seem to see them anymore. 

A warmth is traveling though me, on me, down me and its getting tapped between my fingers. Everything is warm. And as it flows and ebbs and pools, I sit here on the floor with one leg elevated. Just marinating in it.

And as everything around me starts to get wet with warmth, the nice day  outside uncannily clouds over, and as the family car pulls out of the drive way, my chest heaves uncontrollably and the snot streams down past my lips and the strangeness is gone.

And the day finally feels quite normal.